Our crossed eyes met outside a Galway nightclub. I was looking for a party, while he was looking for someone to lob-the-gob on. It turns out we were a match made in heaven. Before kids we led a carefree existence. It’s all changed since.
Tomorrow Daddy Chambers and I will be five years married. My word, how things have changed over the course of those five years. Or indeed since we first met way back when on a cold November night outside that Galway club. We’ve gone from being young and free to being married with two mini humans to raise.
On the eve of our anniversary I’m not going to gush about how much I love him and how great he is. Instead, I thought I’d take a look back. I thought I’d look back and compare how our favourite and romantic things to do used to go before kids and how they go these days.
Before kids: Make sure underwear is pretty and matching. Same goes for night attire. Plug in Nokia phone in kitchen to charge. Get in to bed. Laugh and talk for ages. May lead to a bit of ‘how’s your father’. Spooning a given. A goodnight kiss essential.
After kids: Wash teeth. Put on granny knickers. Lie down beside him. Look at iPhone for an hour. Turn off bedside light. Listen to him snore. Kick him to f*ck out to the spare room!
Before kids: Book last minute. Destination anywhere. Hand luggage. Dublin Airport bar for a fry and pints. Spend at shed load at The Loop. Land. Check in. Find pub. Skull gin. Have a right laugh. Sleep. Get up whenever we want. Sight see. Eat in lovely restaurants. Relax. Repeat.
After kids: Plan with military precision. Book way in advance. Stress in airport. Walk past the airport bar and look longingly in at all those childless b*stards eating their fry and washing it down with gin. Attempt to keep toddlers quiet on plane. Cope with filthy looks from childless b*stards. Land. Pull a child off baggage carousel. Hire car and get all sweaty trying to install rubbish cheap hire car seats. Arrive at destination. Walk passed childless b*stards having a cocktail and reading a book by the pool. Try to stop children drowning. Eat meals out in a hurry. Lather small people in sun-cream. Stuck in small apartment from 8pm due to sleeping small people. Drink wine from supermarket. Sleep on sofa bed. Get up and repeat for six days.
Going out with friends
Before kids: Arrange meet up in pub. Have a right laugh, great conversation and loads of wine. Do the same the following weekend.
After kids: Arrange meet up. Bring our two toddlers. Friends bring their two toddlers. Spend three hours in each other’s company but don’t properly speak to each other at all. Do it again in six months.
Relaxing evening at home
Before kids: Watch great movie at home with glass of wine and popcorn.
After kids: Watch Peppa Pig or PJ Masks. If popcorn required, must be eaten in the toilet in silence.
Take a roadtrip
Before kids: Get in car. Drive somewhere scenic. Stop for relaxing lunch. Perhaps stop for a stroll in scenic place.
After kids: Pack nappies, wipes, snacks. Wrestle small humans in to car seats. Get a mile up the road. Stop to let biggest small human p*ss on the side of the road. Get back on the road. Stop in another mile for another toilet stop. Argue about which one of us will get out with small human. Get back on road. Referee small human argument. Get to scenic place. Buy lunch that small humans won’t eat. Go for walk. Move at snails pace. Time to go home. Nine p*ss stops on way back.
I could go on forever. I wouldn’t change it for the world though (I had to add that line in, didn’t I?!)
Check out how the contents of my handbag has changed since I became a mother here.